Sex – It is ok to talk about it. I’m just saying.
During a conversation with young women the topic moved toward talking with a partner about sex BEFORE being intimate. The statements were “how do you do that?” Or “I don’t want him to think I want to have sex with him.” Or “I don’t want him to feel bad.” Or “I don’t want him to feel like he has to tell me stuff.”
In this conversation we weren’t talking about hook-ups or casual sex – we were talking about relationships. We were talking about being intimate with individuals that there was hope for a future with and an ongoing relationship. We discussed about bring up condom use and expectations about the sexual aspect of their relationship. No one seemed comfortable with the idea of the discussion.
I thought – “well they’re younger, as they gain maturity and experience they will better be able to do that. “
Then I mentioned this to some colleagues more around my age – a little older. I got the exact same response. I was really surprised. Granted several were married and probably hadn’t been in the situation of starting a new relationship with someone in awhile but no one even seemed to even think it was important. Their statements were “Just see what happens.” Or “Everyone knows what is going on.”
Really? Here’s the thing. I think I could find 10 people and ask them about their values and beliefs about sex. I could ask about their experiences and what they thought was OK and what isn’t. I would get 10 extremely varied answers. I think we are surprised when a partner isn’t on the same page as us. We assume their experience and values match ours. The thing is there is no reason to assume is exactly like us – in fact they probably do have differing beliefs.
Talk about Sex. It is ok.
In high school there was a teacher that talked about sex constantly. It was in the guise of life planning. My friends and I had the inner mantra “please don’t talk about sex today, please don’t talk about sex today.” True Story.
However, I did take one piece of information from that class. One day when we came in this was written on the board.
“If you can’t talk about in the light of day then you shouldn’t do it in the dark of night.”
That’s good advice.